I’m calling it! There is an epidemic of fake “support” being offered to women who are experiencing demeaning, toxic, and abusive relationship.
An Epidemic of Fake Support. It comes in the way of commiseration and comparison. It is simply everyone joining together to provide false evidence for the why, the reason that justifies the partner’s shitty, destructive behaviour.
This mutual commiseration is mistaken for support and it may be comforting but it keeps you stuck and off-balance with no boundaries or self-respect. It keeps you attached to your victim story.
What I’ve found in many groups that are supposed to support and help others grow is actually an overwhelming reinforcing of beliefs and stories that hold you back.
While this is often done in the name of “being nice,” it is anything but.
It is not nice to encourage someone through some ridiculous explanation to stay with someone who is mean, disrespectful, sexually demanding and a bully. It is not a loving relationship when one person is continuously being called names, put-down, neglected, cheated on, lied to and so on.
It is irresponsible to just be NICE! And it’s downright cruel to encourage someone to stay in a toxic relationship while they desperately seek a satisfactory definition or explanation for their abuser’s behaviour. There is no explanation, diagnosis, or label that excuses bullying and abusive behaviour. None!
People continue to coddle one another, saying “it’s okay,” when we all know damn well it’s not. They refuse to hold one another accountable for the things that got them into their situation in the first place. This is not Victim-Blaming. This is encouragement to find the solution, to leave, learn, and grow. To embrace your happiness and your life.
And often trying to help someone move forward is seen as an attack on that person, as mean, and even as “bullying.” The group as a whole continues to focus on the problems instead of looking for solutions.
Yes, it will hurt to rip the bandage off and leave the man or woman that you thought loved you and respected you. But you will get over it. You will heal. You will grow and learn.
These support groups or networks are not supportive at all. They are places to go and talk about all that is wrong with your man or your woman. All the nasty shit they’re doing and have others say oh, you poor darling. I understand. I’m going through it too.
It is a collective of people focused on the negative, what is wrong, what do the scientists say, and what is the label. When you focus your attention on all the things that are wrong, it is impossible to move your life forward. It’s also greatly damaging to your overall life, and even your health and well-being.
There is a trend and belief that supplying people with more information about their illnesses will help them heal. The thought that more knowledge and information is better but in reality, it has fed the need to cling to the illness, label, relationship and gives permission to stay there – stuck.
It’s analysis versus action.
Constantly looking for the problems, the symptoms of the problems, and over-analyzing the problems actually FEEDS the problems.
These “support” groups are normalizing bad, abusive, and bullying behaviour by allowing a continuous stream of pity, comparison, labels, and false rationalisation.
It is much kinder to ask people to question their stories, to let go of their common beliefs, and to disidentify with many of their “support” groups. Including family and friends.
My tour of groups on Facebook gave me examples of the worst offenders. I stepped into a couple with a way to let go and move forward and was instantly told to stop bullying the person! Shocking really.
There is now an epidemic of narcissism – it’s everywhere! I will say this out loud – this “support” is more coddling than support. It doesn’t matter if he’s a narc or just a mean-spirited jerk, the healing process and your real life begins when you leave, heal and attract someone who respects and values you. You can stay in false support groups looking for definitions of narc and comparing narc stories but that’s not support.
You have the ability to leave. You have the power to say no one calls me bitch or rapes me or cheats on me and walk out the door. You have that power. Yeah, your heart will hurt but it will heal and you will learn from your experience, stand up for yourself and set boundaries.
And you’ll experience Peace and Freedom.
Coddling is not support. Name the groups appropriately – Narcissistic Abuse Coddling Group or Abuse Commiseration Group.
Be discerning about where you want to hang out and with whom. It’s great to have a large group of people who support our delusions at first, but it is only by stepping out of them that we move forward in our lives.
I am a HUGE advocate of real support. Helping you when you need it, and giving you a loving little kick in the ass when you need to move on and get out of your stories.
Join You + JOY Women’s Circle for real, honest support. We get together once a month to offer support, kindness and loving kick in the ass to get you moving. Check out the details by clicking the link: http://www.susanball.ca/joy-womens-circle/