3 Big Bold Steps to Kick-Start Healing
When I first left my abuser, I was obsessed and I mean obsessed, with finding the reason why he did what he did. I had rationalized that if I discovered what was wrong with him, I could move on and get started on living my life again. Problem – when I focused on him, I wasn’t truly focused on Healing After a Toxic Relationship .
I spent a great deal of my life analyzing his behaviour and developing varied and compelling diagnoses. With every diagnosis, I had lists of supporting evidence.
I had all sorts of them: Narcissist, Middle Child Syndrome, Toxic Parents, Anger Management, Alcohol Abuse, and so on
But every diagnosis, only offered fleeting happiness. I would celebrate what I thought was the perfect reason only to realize that it did not heal my hurt or my heart or my life. I continued to feel hurt and lonely and lost.
It wasn’t until I realized that not one of the “labels” that I was giving him was going to change a damn thing. It really didn’t matter if he was a narcissist or had nasty parents. The bottom line: He was a fu*king class A dick. Period.
He hurt me because he could and because he wanted to.
No fancy labels needed!
Once I stopped analyzing him, I was able to focus on me, my life, and my healing. That moment was the beginning of my Healing Journey. It was the moment I stepped into being a Victor!
I focused on these 3 Bold Steps:
Step One: Acceptance
This is a big, healing step. It’s time to own that it happened. It just happened. It was awful and painful and hurtful but it represents something that happened in your life that will ultimately shape you and create a better version of you.
Hot Tip: Give it a Name. I call my period of abuse “The Incident”. When I speak with people, I can simply state when The Incident happened or after The Incident. A generic name immediately diminishes any power your past has over your present and future.
Step Two: Looking Inward
Now you have time to take a close look at what you want and need in your life. Take the time to really dive deep into your feelings and values: What makes you smile. What makes you feel happy. Where do you see yourself in one-year. Two-years. What do need in a partner. What are your values – honesty, freedom, spirituality, humour, intelligence and so on.
Hot Tip: Dive Deep & Take Your Time. What you value in life and what is acceptable and not acceptable is so very important to your future peace and happiness. Take all the time you need to dive deep into your needs and wants. Review. Revise. Release the ones that don’t feel good.
Step Three: Putting Me First
You are the most valuable player in your life. Your well being, needs, wants, desires and passions come first. Push back – but what about so-and-so, or my kids, or my job? Yes, they are important but if you do not put yourself first, your mental, physical, and emotional health will quickly deteriorate and you will be of little value to anyone including yourself!
Hot Tip: Do One Thing Every Day That is Just for You. One thing is all that is needed. It can be for five minutes, one-hour, or an entire evening. That’s your choice each day. Have a quiet tea or coffee without interruption. Read a chapter. Chat on the phone with a happy friend. Be creative. Take a walk. Go skating.
One Simple Pleasure per Day will Improve Your Mood, Your Health, and Your Relationships!
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