Deciding to Leave Your Abuser is Tough
And the best decision you will every make.
The single most important decision that any woman experiencing abuse will make is the decision to leave or stay. Deciding to leave is tough. You may have financial worries or anxious thoughts about how you will manage.
Your self-worth and confidence is at its lowest point; battered by your partner and his continued negative commentary on your ability, your looks, and your value. You feels embarrassed to reach out to family and friends to help and support in your quest for freedom. The decision you must make is life changing and with no confidence left to tell your story and seek support, it can also be the loneliest time of your life.
There is no greater decision you will make in your life. Staying in some ways is comfortable and familiar. Financially, he may be controlling the purse strings leaving you with few to no resources of your own. You might find herself unemployed, staying home to raise children or staying home because that is his wish or command. Isolation and financial dependency are frequently used tools in the abuser’s arsenal. They are the tools of complete control and dependence.
Fear for your children’s safety and security outside of the marriage. Your mind will run full circle to your lack of employment or housing. How will you get a home, money and food? Serious questions when you are facing the prospect of leaving the family home. Uprooting the children to a new place and school can make you feel guilt and shame that you’re not a good mother.
Women in abusive, toxic, and unhealthy relationships fear the great unknown that lives on the other side of the door. It can be scary. You have no money, no home, children depending on you, and your prospects seem dismal at best. Staying with your abuser is equally tormenting. How can you keep exposing your children to foul language, physical violence, name-calling and other demeaning behaviours? You are teaching them how to treat people and how to be treated and your example is not good.
There are moments when you feel you love him or that staying together for sake of the family is probably best. The love after the apology phase when you begin to ask maybe it was me, maybe I’m not treating him fairly, maybe I need to try harder to make this marriage work. But those moments are uncomfortable because deep down you know it’s time to go. You know that after the apology phase comes the nasty, ugly phase. And so the cycle goes.
I can relate to the very real and painful dilemma abused women face. I’ve been there. You’re not only thinking about yourself, you are thinking about your children and their future. It’s a huge responsibility and if you have no job, money or support from family and friends, you feel defeated before you even begin. Starting out from a place of loss makes the journey incredibly difficult. But not impossible.
It takes courage to walk out and step into the fear of the unknown. A great deal of courage.
The good news is you do have the inner strength and the courage to get out. It may feel like you need a miracle to access your courage, but your will to survive, to live peacefully and with happiness will give you the impetus to walk out the door on shaky legs and face the unknown with trepidation fully knowing you got this!
Start Here to Create Freedom
The List – create a list of friends and family and beside each name write down 2 or 3 things that they may be able to help you with. Not everyone can help financially but they may be able to hold a yard sale on your behalf, or make phone calls to local support agencies to see what’s available, or help with your resume – the ideas are endless.
The Plan – create a plan with a leaving date. It doesn’t have to be perfect. In fact, it will probably change several times. But getting it on paper makes it real and you can see the steps you need to take. Organize your steps around the plan.
The Future – write, create vision boards, draw, talk to your kids and use your imaginations. Your future – get a fantastic visual of your future and when the going gets really tough, sit down close your eyes and embrace your vision of the future. Notice how relaxed you feel, you’re smiling, your children are laughing, you feel great about yourself and what you’ve accomplished. Focus on that vision and move toward it every day.
The Celebration – begin a Success Journal and every day make a point of writing down what you accomplished – the tiny, small, medium, big, and extra large – all sizes of accomplishment. After you’ve written them down, celebrate! Celebrate what you have done already on your journey. Celebrate. Smile. Pat yourself on the back. You’ve done all that and you are more than capable of continuing to build and grow your new life.
Each step builds your value, self-worth, confidence, and shows you how successful you are every day and in every way. It begins to unravel the negative self-talk and replace it with positive, forward-moving chatter. And before you know it, you’re growing, expanding, and building a new life.
It’s amazing watching an abused woman take positive steps to rebuilding, liberating her greatness, and stepping into her power. Through determination, raw courage, and pure will, leaving your abuser can lead to the greatest time of your life.
If this resonates with you let’s connect and explore how I can help you. Claim a 45-minute FREE Virtual VIP chat – https://calendly.com/susanball/session